By: Brittany Keim, Therapist at The Center

Oftentimes, before we even know what emotion we are feeling, we experience physical symptoms that tell us that something is “off”. These symptoms can include: an accelerated heart rate, a pit in our stomach, or an all-encompassing feeling of heaviness. We ponder, “Why am I feeling this way?” This can be a tricky question to answer, which is why it is important to employ specific skills to assist us in identifying and understanding our big emotions.

Simply put, emotion regulation skills help us to manage and respond to an emotional experience in a productive way. When we know what we feel and why we feel that way, we are in a much better place to navigate a challenging situation and prepare for what is next to come.

Here are some tips to help you better understand and regulate your emotions:

• Recognize your early warning signs 

As mentioned above, our emotions are usually accompanied by a physical reaction. It is helpful to catch these feelings in our body early on and before they overwhelm us. Take a moment now and ask yourself, “Where do I tend to feel my emotions?” Does your face become flushed? Does your stomach start to hurt? Does your chest get tight? These physical sensations can be thought of as hints that tell us that we are experiencing an emotion. The sooner we recognize these early warning signs, the sooner we can understand, regulate, and resolve our emotion. With practice, you may even be able to prevent big emotional reactions from happening in the first place!

• Slow down and try to avoid jumping to conclusions

When we are experiencing a big emotion, it can feel impossible to think clearly. Take a few deep breaths and think of something else you can put your attention on for a brief moment. In order to properly work through an emotional experience, you have to calm yourself down so that you have the mental clarity to do some critical thinking.

• Consider which emotion(s) you may be experiencing and then label your emotion(s)

It is important to identify what emotion or emotions you are feeling. Once you put a name to what you are feeling, you have valuable information. If you know what emotion you’re feeling, you’re one step closer to understanding what triggered you and why you are feeling that way.

• Observe, observe, observe! Be a detective! 

Observe what is happening around you and consider what happened right before you started feeling that given emotion. Usually, the thing or event that occurred right before your emotional experience is what triggered you in the first place. Pay close attention to thoughts that you may be experiencing as this will also give you insight into why you are feeling some type of way.

• Ask yourself, “What do I want to get out of this situation?”

You’ve upgraded to problem solver! Now that you know what you’re feeling and why you are feeling that way, consider what actions will help you get what you want. Think through possible solutions and choose the option that you feel will benefit you the most. For instance, if you are feeling sad because you just found out that you didn’t perform well on a test, you likely want to improve your grade. You should accept your feelings of sadness, but it probably won’t help if you sit in your sadness for a long period of time or come to the conclusion that you’re done trying in school. Instead, start thinking of helpful solutions. You may conclude that it is best to ask a teacher for help or study more next time.

• Keep these steps in mind next time you encounter a similar situation 

You’ve proven that you can work through a challenging emotional experience. Use this thinking process to help you in future situations. You will likely find that recognizing your triggers can help you the next time you encounter them.

By: Brittany Keim, MS.

Summer break is necessary for many reasons, but going back school after weeks of time off can be difficult.Educators, parents, and students alike can feel the pressure of what it means to start a new school year. There are countless questions and unknowns when August comes around the corner. Students begin to have questions such as, “Who will my teacher be?” and “Who will I sit next to at lunch?” These questions are normal, but they begin to consume our minds and unfortunately, take our attention away from the remaining weeks of summer. This time of year is undoubtedly challenging for any student, but it can be equally as hard for parents to support their children who experience back to school anxiety.

Here are some tips to keep in mind during this back-to-school season:

• Assure your child that is okay to not have all the answers right away

Sadly, we can never have all the answers to our questions. It is important to normalize your child’s back to school anxiety by letting your child know that they are not alone and by telling your child that is it okay to feel this way. The nervous butterflies that they are experiencing in their stomach are normal! Remind your child that some uncertainty is good. Uncertainty can often lead to some of the best surprises.

• Take off some of the pressure your child may be experiencing

Getting back into the rhythm of things can be hard. After all, a summer off from schoolwork can make us rusty when it comes to taking that first test or handing in that first book report. Children often have high expectations for themselves. I mean, who wouldn’t want straight A’s? However, it is difficult to be our very best self at the beginning of the year. Help your child manage their expectations and remind them that good things take time. In the beginning of the year, just getting through the day or the week should be good enough.

• Help your child establish a routine in the days leading up to school

The new school year can feel far out of your child’s control. Help your child achieve a sense of control by assisting them in creating a back-to-school routine. It will be useful to start thinking about an appropriate bedtime and how long it will take your child to get ready in the morning. Summertime gives us the luxury of going to bed later and sleeping in, but it is extremely

important for your child to get about 8-10 hours of sleep each night so that they are refreshed and prepared to learn this year’s class materials. It can be helpful to practice your child’s new routine a couple of times so that they can go into that first day of school feeling like a pro!

• Identify a few safe people at school that they can go to for help

There are many school staff members that can be of assistance and there should be no shame in asking for help. Asking for help assists us in learning! It can be beneficial to ask your child to identify 1-2 people that they can go to if they need support at school. The school nurse or guidance counselor are great options and can be excellent resources at the beginning of the year.

• Take advantage of special events that your child’s school may offer

Your child’s school knows that this can be a hard time of the year. Knowing this, schools often offer a “Get to Know Your Teacher” event before school starts. Even though you and your child may not want to be reminded of school, it is important to go to events like these so that your child can have exposure to their new teacher, classroom, building, etc. If your child’s school does not offer an event like this, there is no harm in asking the main office or your child’s teacher if you and your child can visit the school before their first day. Teachers and school staff want to make sure your child is comfortable too!

• Make this time of year fun

The start of a school year can be viewed as a time of excitement as well. There are countless possibilities at the beginning of a school year. A new year can be indicative of new friendships, knowledge, interests, and hobbies. Also, who doesn’t love to pick out their new backpack, colored pencils, and pens? Use back to school shopping as a way to make your child excited to start this new journey.

• Lean on other parents, friends, and professionals for support

You are not alone in worrying about your child. It is normal to want to do everything in your power to make them feel excited, confident, and prepared for that first day of school. Take advantage of your support system during this time. If your child is struggling with anxiety about returning to school or if they are experiencing anxiety about anything else, please reach out to a therapist like myself at The Center. I’d be happy to support you and be part of your team!

by Dr. Lorna Jansen, Psychologist at The Center

The holidays can be a wonderful time of gatherings accompanied by laughter and sweet time with loved ones. They can also bring additional commitments to already busy schedules and increased financial demands. Being in close proximity with family and co-workers at holiday events can lead to difficult conversations and stir up a variety of emotions. Ironically, some of us feel most isolated at this time of year, whether by the crush of crowds or the increased pressure we feel to be happy. Others are mourning the loss of people we care about. Below you’ll find some tips to help you navigate this holiday season:

1. Take care of yourself

• Drink plenty of water and eat a healthy diet, focusing on fruits, vegetables and quality proteins
• Go for a walk outside or take a class at your local gym
• Engage in your favorite activities often, with a goal of doing one positive thing for yourself each day
• Do your best to turn off all screens an hour before bedtime and make time for adequate sleep
• Use a meditation app like Calm or Insight Timer to help you process what you are feeling, or an app like Gratitude to help you focus on your blessings

2. Set reasonable expectations for yourself and for others

• Consider your values and how that can direct where you spend your energy this year
• Call a family meeting and discuss what is important to each member this holiday season
• Map out what different weeks or holiday travels will look like for the children in your life so that they know what to expect
• Plan to be flexible – with expectations, with normal routines, with emotions that may arise in the hustle and bustle
• If finances are tight and you cannot afford to buy gifts for all of your family members and friends, suggest a planned or white elephant gift exchange

3. Ask for help

• If you need help buying gifts, decorating, baking cookies, or hosting a party, ask for help from friends and family
• Enlist the help of online retailers to ship and wrap your gifts, and order prepared meals from your local grocery store
• If you are part of a faith community, ask for prayer and practical help where it is available.
• If you are struggling with feelings of depression or anxiety and are having a difficult time functioning, rally your support structure and consider seeking out a professional

The message at the holidays is that “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.” To many people, perhaps more than will readily admit it, that is just not the case. As such, the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and your family, while practicing compassion for yourself and others. Follow these steps and if you need more help, please reach out to us or a therapist in your area.

Dr. Lorna Jansen works with individuals of all ages who are dealing with anxiety, depression, ADHD and life transitions. She is a Psychologist at the Center for Neuropsychology and Counseling in Warrington.

Tips for Divorcing Parents
by Christina Carson-Sacco, Psy.D.

So you find yourself going through the divorce process. If you are like most parents, you’re concerned about how to minimize the stress on your children and are aware that how you handle the divorce could greatly affect them.  Though many of these tips are not easy to follow, hopefully they will give you guidance during this challenging time.

Telling your child about the divorce is difficult and needs to be handled sensitively. Both parents should set aside their own feelings and deliver the message together, in an age appropriate manner, simply, and without any blaming or anger. Focus on your child’s needs at this time.
Stress that even if you are divorced, that you will never stop loving your child and will always be her parents. Sometimes children worry that if parent’s can stop loving each other, then maybe they can stop loving them.
Stress that they did not cause the divorce. Often, children assume things are about them. They may have overheard you arguing about them. Be clear that there is nothing they could have done to prevent the divorce.
Realize that all children have different reactions. Some will be very upset, while others may seem to have little reaction. Children may have specific questions about how the divorce will affect them. You may not have the answers, but you can assure them that you will do your best and that the family will get through this.
Set aside your feelings toward your former spouse, so that you both can focus on what’s best for your children. Let go of control and the need to ‘win.’ Think of it as a business relationship, which may make it easier to be polite, communicate effectively, compromise, and remember that the other parent loves the children and is doing their best.
Never criticize the other parent to or around your children.  Know that children are always listening and even at a young age, understand that they are made up of half of each parent.  Putting down your former spouse can damage your child’s self-esteem, as they can feel you don’t like of a part of them.
Refrain from using your child as a messenger. It is tempting to ask a child to relay a message or to report what is happening at the other house. However, this puts strain on your child and they can feel trapped in the middle.
Do not fight or argue in front of your children (or within earshot.)  Your fighting can be frightening. Role model appropriate expressions of feelings in front of them.
Do not discuss money matters with your child, no matter the age.  If the child is concerned, assure her that the adults will make sure she is taken care of. If you are ordered to pay child support, do so in a timely manner.
Stability in home and school is not always possible, but it is the ideal. If you have to move, maintain rituals, relationships with friends and extended family, or activities to create continuity.
Foster a healthy relationship between the child and their other parent, as well as that side of the family. Remind the child that even if their parent does things differently than you or disappoints them, they love them.
Transfers can be difficult for everyone. Understand that on transition days, your child is likely to be a little “off.” Strive to be courteous, be on time, and bring all the things your child needs for his stay. Do not linger or use this time to work out conflicts.
Out of guilt or fear of the child liking the other parent more, some parents will forgo rules and limits, or will buy their children lots of gifts.  This strategy will backfire, as it undermines your authority and is not in the best interest of your child.
Try to create as much consistency as possible. No two households will run exactly the same, and kids will adjust. Try to avoid power struggles with the other parent and do not disparage their parenting around your child. Unless agreed upon ahead of time, do not expect the other parent to carry out a punishment you’ve given the child. If you are having difficulty co-parenting effectively, consider working with a psychologist on ways to better co-parent.
Find a support system and take care of yourself.  It is normal to grieve the end of your marriage. If you are having trouble sleeping, eating, are relying on drugs or alcohol, having significant mood issues or need unbiased support, call a psychologist. Surround yourself with people who will support you and encourage a healthy divorce. Never use your children as confidants, caretakers, or companions. Remember, caring for your children means making sure you are a healthy, as well.

Dr. Christina Carson-Sacco is a psychologist in private practice.  To learn more about her work, visit her website at www.TheCenterInWarrington.com.